so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
