My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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