I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
