In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
