youre lurking in front of me
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
