everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
