so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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