It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
