She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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