My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
