did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
