Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
There was a lot of him and a little penis
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Randomize
