I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
