Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
