You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
