Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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