Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
