smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
