Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
