Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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