I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
