your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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