im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
