cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
