I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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