I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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