He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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