My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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