I accidentally burped into my bong.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
it glows. i had to have it.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize