please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
