I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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