and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
