I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
