I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize