Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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