textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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