I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
