I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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