I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize