dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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