first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize