I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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