I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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