When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
