Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
