I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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