I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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