I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
