it's too hot outside to masturbate.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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