I faked an abortion last night.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
