and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
