So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize