First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
