the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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