i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
