I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize