you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I checked into jail on foursquare
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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