I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
