so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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