Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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