i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Its about making memories worth repressing
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
