So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
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