I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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