Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
