The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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