Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
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