There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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